the new term for farting is butt boxing.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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