i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
