It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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