did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
