I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
