why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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