Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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