I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
