all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
