theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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