I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
