Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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