Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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