sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
