that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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