At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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