One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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