after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
