She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
