Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
