Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
