Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sober January is a disaster.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
