That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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