i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
