you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
