i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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