why didn't you poke me back
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
