I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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