he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
