Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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