I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
