my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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