i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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