Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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