I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
