Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
