I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
