You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
