Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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