96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
