my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
