I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
