I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
