I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
