So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
