Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
What a fucking waste of an outfit
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
