our cab driver is having phone sex.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
