who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
