i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
third nipple confirmed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
