Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
