genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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