my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
