My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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