I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
