i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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