After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
