dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
