Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
