i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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