It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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