She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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